


The Fairer Sex

by LuffyKun3695



Category: Dan Vs.
Genre: ChrisxDan, DanxChris, F/F, Genderbending, M/M, Rule 63, Slash, buddyshipping - Freeform, genderbent
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-08-09
Updated: 2013-01-28
Packaged: 2017-12-27 09:37:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/977240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LuffyKun3695/pseuds/LuffyKun3695
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alternate-Universe. Dan says something offensive about women Madame Zelda curses him and Chris. They wake up the next morning in an alternate-universe where everyone genders are switched and no one but them knows what happened! Meanwhile, Chris is dealing with unwanted attraction for Dan’s female form.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Cursed

**Author's Note:**

> **AUTHOR'S NOTES:** Well, a lot of people enjoy gender-bends, especially in the Dan Vs fandom. The leading contributor of this is the fabulous (beautiful, talented, amazing) Simoleon Lime. This story was a passing idea of hers for an episode of Dan Vs and I decided to scribble out a fanfiction. The majority of the designs and names are based off of her artwork, though a few are my own. It is going to be the Dan/Chris pairing because that is my OTP and I love it and shut up. This is my first Dan Vs centering around Dan rather than Chris as well as being in third person, so forgive me. PS. Though I am a feminist this really isn't a feminist story, so please don't take it that way even though Dan is transformed into a female due to his disparaging remarks about women. I needed a catalyst that was interesting. This chapter is very short, it's more of a prologue.
> 
>  **WARNINGS:** This story is rated for homosexuality, adultery, adult language, alcohol use, cigarette use, gender bending, and adult themes
> 
>  **DEDICATIONS:** This story is dedicated to Simoleon Lime because the basic idea was hers as well as most of the gender-bent designs. While some of the names are hers, I chose others myself and tweaked the designs ever-so-slightly.
> 
>  **PAIRINGS:** Chris/Dan [Christine/Dana]

** "The Fairer Sex" **

**Chapter One: Cursed**

"I am telling you Dan, that wasn't a vampire. It was just some Goth kid at the mall." Chris frowned, flexing his fingers around the steering wheel. He fiddled with the rearview mirror and glanced at the man in the passenger's seat. Dan was staring out the window at the inky, cloudless sky with the same irritated expression that he usually wore, brow furrowed, emerald eyes glistening in the pale moonlight.

"Then why was he carrying an umbrella outside? Hmm?" he asked, turning to glare at the larger man. Chris smiled weakly, about to open his mouth to give a plausible explanation when Dan cut him off. "Obviously to make sure the sun didn't turn him into dust!" he spat, crossing his arms over his slender chest indignantly. The other man shook his head, dismissing the shaggy-haired misanthrope and pulling his car alongside the side of the street, putting it into park.

"Dan, what part of Goth did you not understand?" Chris questioned, frowning. Dan ignored him and instead busied himself by unbuckling his seatbelt. He kicked the passenger's side door open and hopped out onto the sidewalk. Dan shoved his hands into his pocket and tread on his beaten black Dockers agitatedly while he waited for Chris to cut the engine. 

Chris fiddled with his own seatbelt, unbuckling it successfully and exited the car. He walked around the front of the scuffed blue four-door sedan and joined the annoyed man on the sidewalk. Dan motioned for him to follow and they began strolling up the winding walkway towards the rickety, yellow house with the glowing sign reading _Psychic_ plastered in the front window. Chris noted the hours of operation were long since passed, though he doubted something as trivial as another person's sleep habits met anything to Dan.

"Clearly this _goth_ persona is simply a disguise so that the masses of simpletons to not realize that the undead walk amongst them." Dan stated wryly, as if this was the simplest solution in the world. He glanced at the broad-shouldered man at his side, glaring from underneath bushy raven brows. 

"Eh," Chris frowned, rubbing the back of his neck. He tugged his cell phone out of the breast pocket of his loose, orange button-down shirt and checked the time, it was nearly one in the morning and he knew that Elise would be calling soon to ask him where he was and why he hadn't come home yet. He often wondered why she did that. _He was always with Dan_

"Well," Dan continued his rant unbidden."I don't care if you're a non-believer, Chris!" the dark-haired man scowled, puffing out his cheeks in agitation. "I can't expect someone with _your_ intellect to understand the complexities of the supernatural, anyway." he said snarkily, running his fingers through his messy hair and returning his penetrating gaze to the taller man. "It doesn't matter anyway because we're going to teach that blood-sucking shit to cut me off in the parking lot and steal my spot!" Dan seethed, waving his hands waving his hands in exasperation like the conductor of an insane orchestra. "We're getting some vampire repellent and that's that." he stated matter-of-factly, indicating that the case was closed. Chris rolled his eyes, tucking his phone back into his pocket.

Chris shook his head, smiling to himself. He often wondered how he was dragged into such insane schemes, most of which he knew would end in total disaster. He glanced at the pallor man in the loose fitting tee shirt and jeans, watching him as he fiddled with the elaborate brass door knocker. Dan was almost too short to reach it properly and was beginning to get angry with it. Chris couldn't help but notice that he looked adorable, like a furious little gnome with a black goatee. _Right, that's why_. The blue-eyed man scratched the side of his nose, feeling his cheeks reddening. 

"MADAME ZELDA!" Dan yelled, abandoning the knocker entirely and choosing instead to simply pound on the door with clenched fists. Chris bit his lip, he was sure that Dan had managed to wake up not only the foreign psychic but all of her neighbors as well. There was a clatter inside the house followed by some mild cursing and the door swung open to reveal a disheveled woman in a fluffy blue and pink robe covered in an elaborate design of what Chris assumed were "third eyes," her blonde hair wrapped in matching curlers. Her rose shaded glasses were balanced precariously on the end of her nose. She spotted Dan and her surprised expression quickly became one of utter distaste.

"Vat do _you_ vant?" she asked in obvious irritation.

"Nothin' much, Zeldy!" Dan said, pushing past her and entering the house without being invited. Chris saw her left eye twitch in frustration as she fought internally not to bash her most loathed customer over the head with the nearest blunt object. Her icy blue eyes followed Dan around the room as he made himself at home, running his finger across the glass-front of a frame holding one of the psychic's many "certificates" from various universities, leaving a long streak in across the face. He observed the dust on the tip of his finger, blowing on it and sending a cloud of dust mites up into the air. "We just want some vampire repellent."

Chris idled on the stoop next to the open door, unsure if Dan's intrusion was a cue for him to follow his friend into the house or if he should wait for an actual invitation from the woman who owned it. He finally decided on the former, joining the others in the front room. Madame Zelda closed the door behind him and flipped on a light, bathing the room in a dim yellow glow. She returned her gaze to Dan, frowning skeptically, crossing her arms over her generous chest. "Vampires?" she echoed, her thin brow furrowing. "Vhy do yew sink I vould 'elp a man who 'as refused me payment twice?"

The petite misanthrope stopped playing with the many trinkets around the room and turned to the psychic, his face filled with feigned hurt. "Zeldy, I'm hurt!" he said, grabbing his chest as if his heart was in pain. "I have never _intentionally_ cheated you out of your money!" he said in a tortured voice, throwing his arms over his eyes and whipping his head backward with dramatic flair only he could manage. Chris stayed silent, fighting both the urge to laugh at him and hit him, probably for the same reason.

"Vat about when you ran away after trying to kill me vit an axe and vit my golden soldiers?" she pointed out. Dan removed his arm from his face and smiled at the psychic. Chris noticed the way his green eyes glittered like emeralds in the semi-darkness and bit the inside of his cheek, forcing the thought from his head.

"Well, that" Dan grinned sheepishly, running his fingers through his shaggy raven locks and scratching the side of his nose. He shrugged his shoulders, stuffing his hands into his pockets and smiling up at the blonde. "Look, I brought Chris with me today and everything. He just got paid. He has a _job_ and everything, you know. He's one of _those_." Dan explained, loosely flopping his wrist. "I promise you will get your money." He reassured her.

She studied him for a moment, but shook her head. "It really doesn't matter anyway, at zis moment I do not 'ave any vampire repellent kits." she informed them, tucking a stray piece of her honey locks behind her ear and frowning. "I gave all my garlic to a blonde cheerleader. You will 'ave to come back tomorrow." 

Dan's somewhat lackadaisical expression transformed from one of nonchalance to fury in a split-second. His thick brows furrowed, the lines in his forehead deepening in anger. He tugged a notepad out of his back pocket and scribbled something down, slipping the tattered papers back into his pants before spitting, "We should have known better than to go to a _female_ psychic." Dan snarled.

"Excuse me?" Madame Zelda asked, taken aback. Her expression matched Dan's own in distaste. She peered down at the man in front of her as if he were a mere cockroach she had tread upon, accidentally. The look of pure disgust that crossed her features at his disturbing remark resembled one that Elise often wore when speaking to the shorter man. 

"Dan! What are you talking about?" Chris asked, exasperated. He was used to Dan disparaging everything from doctors to clouds that were too fluffy, but he had always found his misogynistic comments to be rather unnerving. The gap-toothed man had always been respectful of the opposite sex. Chris was more feminine than most men and despite his broad-shouldered appearance he was soft-spoken and preferred being a homebody to the breadwinner. He easily bent to the desires of those who were more strong-willed than he, easily manipulated by the wishes of the passionate. Chris had always speculated that this was what attracted him to Dan in the first place, in spite of his flaws he was an all-consuming force; a titan whose need for vengeance consumed those around him in the furious cyclone of his wrath.

"Oh come on, Chris!" Dan sniped, glaring up at his friend. "Women are completely unreliable. That's why I have never gotten married." he stated, crossing his arms over his chest and poking his tongue against the inside of his cheek angrily. Chris felt something inside of him snap out of pure annoyance. 

" _That's_ why?" Chris said, furiously waving his arms in frustration like a giant windmill. Dan rolled his eyes, ignoring the other man and heading for the door. 

"Whatever Chris, we're leaving." Dan muttered, stopping and turning toward Chris, gesturing towards the exit expectantly. The taller of the two friends started towards the door when they heard a clatter behind them. The two men turned slowly around to face the psychic, their mouths dropping open.

Madame Zelda, who had been quiet while observing the display between the two men with mild interest was levitating a few inches off the ground. Her hair had escaped from her curlers and was now floating around her head in a twisted, eerie halo of gold. The curlers swirled around her body like moons orbiting a planet, her robe floating away from her curvaceous form. She slowly opened her eyes, to reveal thick pools of glowing blue without a discernible iris or pupil. They gulped.

"Oh little misanthrope," Madame Zelda's cooed, her voice other worldly and absent her accent. Chris can feel Dan shaking slightly at his side. He reached out to grab the larger man's hand in favor of the usual fearful embraces. "I believe that you need to be taught a lesson about the fairer sex. With the power of the Goddess, I place a curse upon you until you learn the error of your ways and understand women more completely." she said, suddenly turning to Chris and adding, "You will join him on this journey until you realize the truth you have been hiding within yourself underneath a guise of normalcy."

\- 0 -

After leaving Madame Zelda's, Chris drove Dan home in complete silence. They chose not to discuss what they had witnessed in the home of the psychic, nor the fact that they did not let go of one another's hands until the taller man finally pulled his car into the parking space next to the tiny red hatchback at the Casa del Paradisio. It was nearly six o' clock in the morning and the sun was peeking from behind the clouds, illuminating the absent roads. Chris glanced at the digital clock on his dash, frowning. He knew that he would get an earful from Elise the moment he got home. There was a part of him that wished he could just stay the night at Dan's and avoid her entirely, but as Dan left the car without another word he pushed the thought away and shifted the car into reverse, pulling back out onto the road and driving towards his home.

Dan trotted up the stairs towards the eighth door, forcing it open and entering his apartment without bothering to turn on the light. A tiny ball of fur streaked across his path, and he shed his shoes and jeans, falling face-first into the bed and drifting into a fitful sleep.

The next morning when Dan woke up, he felt decidedly lighter. 

He sat up, barely glancing at the clock and running his fingers through his hair, frowning. For some reason, he found his hair to considerably longer than it had been the night before. In fact, it was somewhere past his shoulders, jet black and unruly. Dan blinked, rubbing his tired eyes furiously and looking at his hands, finding them smeared in black. He recognized the substance as eyeliner, the same kind that Hortense's bridesmaids had put on him a few months ago. _Had Chris pulled a prank on him?_ His brow furrowed, angrily. Some prank, putting a wig and make-up on him! In fact, he didn't even remember inviting the huge goof up last night 

Dan growled, but the sound came out might higher than usual. He clapped his hands over his mouth but discovered that his skin was smooth to the touch, creamy and free of hair. He rubbed his chin, finding none of the usual scruff. Dan screamed, high-pitched and throaty. His heart began beating faster, he could hear it in his ears. He was sweating in his utter panic, hyperventilating as he ran his hands down his body. Dan discovered a small, slender frame unlike his own. His hands settled on large, pert breasts with large nipples protruding through the thin fabric of his JERK tee shirt. He squeezed the boobs awkwardly, testing their authenticity and the nerves tingled. He yelped from the pain of nails in flesh. Finally, he reached down with trembling painted nails, peeking into his extremely short, striped pajama shorts...

_Oh fuck_


	2. Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, now we're cookin' baby. Dana and Christine in the world of Van Nyus California, Rule Sixty-Three style. However will our two hero(ines) handle being women? Now, if you were wondering what they sound like Dana is ANGIE HARMON (Jane Rizzoli, Rizzoli & Isles) and Chris is Linda Cardenelli (Wendy Corduroy, Gravity Falls). The pronouns and names in this chapter will be confusing until Dan and Chris officially choose to live as Dana and Christine in the current universe. Rest assured, they are WOMEN in this entire chapter.
> 
>  **WARNINGS:** This story is rated for adultery, adult language, alcohol use, cigarette use, gender bending, and adult themes
> 
>  **DEDICATIONS:** This story is dedicated to Simoleon Lime because the basic idea was hers as well as most of the gender-bent designs. While some of the names are hers, I chose others myself and tweaked the designs ever-so-slightly.

** "The Fairer Sex" **

**Chapter Two: Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes**

Dan stumbled out of bed and ran into the bathroom, tripping over delicate feet.

 _This couldn't be happening. This was impossible._ Dan tried reassuring himself as he entered the bathroom to find the countertop covered in products he did not recognize. The counter was littered with make-up, hair mousse, boxes of tampons, and other feminine products he did not remember stealing. Dan gulped, slowly approaching the mirror, a strong feeling of dread forming in the pit of his stomach. He peered into the cracked surface of the mirror and sure enough, staring back at him… was a woman.

Reflected back through the layers of dust was a decent looking woman in her mid-thirties. Her hair was wild and unruly, encircling her round face in jet black tendrils. Her bright emerald eyes were smudged in black-liner, giving her a raccoon-like appearance. Black lines were smeared down her cheeks from accidentally falling asleep in her make-up. She was short, no taller than five foot four inches at best, but well-endowed with breasts that easily reached a D-Cup. Dan reached forward to touch the mirror and the woman copied him. 

"Oh my fucking God," Dan muttered, but the voice that came from him was not his own. It was husky, but feminine with a gravely tone. Suddenly, Dan was overwhelmed with the realization that this was in fact real and not a hallucination. Sinking miserably to the bathroom floor, he drew his legs into his chest and buried his head into knees, trying not to cry. _Damn emotional female hormones._

Dan sat on the cold tile for a while, wracking his brain for any inkling as to _how_ this travesty had occurred. _"Oh little misanthrope,"_ Madame Zelda's voice rang in his ears. Abruptly, memories of the night before flooded his conscious thought and he baulked. Images of the possessed psychic levitating in mid-air, her hair encircling around her head like waves of gold swirled through his head. He shivered. He had been so intimidated by the sight of a floating woman he had completely forgotten everything she had said until this very moment. _"I believe that you need to be taught a lesson about the fairer sex. With the power of the Goddess, I place a curse upon you until you learn the error of your ways and understand women more completely."_

Dan sat up straight, _"No way, she couldn't have meant—"_ he thought, hurriedly. Dan glanced down his body, pert breasts and curvaceous hips staring up at him and he slumped back against the cupboards beneath the sink. _"Oh no, she meant it alright."_ he noted miserably.

Suddenly overcome with a rush of uncontrollable emotion, he could no longer hold back his tears. His sobs were squeaky and feminine, which only made him cry harder. He buried his face in his hands and watched despondently as the tears, mixed with black eye-liner and mascara, dripped onto the damaged off-white tile of his now unfamiliar bathroom floor. 

Dan did not know how long he cried, but finally when he no longer had any tears to shed he pushed himself up off the tile and wiped his nose with the hem of his shirt. He trotted out into the main part of the apartment. For the most part, it was identical to his own from the ripped, beige couch to the torn _Ramones_ poster on the wall, even the wrinkled cherry pie wrapper he had thrown into one of the piles of trash on his floor was laying in the same place he had disposed of it three days prior. The only major difference was the abundance of "female items" mixed in with his usual stacks of refuse. Instead of boxers, he spotted mismatched pairs of bras and panties. His jeans, though they were still strewn across the floor with no effort made to fold them, were no longer baggy and loose, but thin and tapered towards the end of the leg. Every one of his loafers had been replaced with scuffed black-and-white converse sneakers. The JERK shirt he was wearing was hanging off one of his slender shoulders, its wide sleeves brushing his elbows.

On the couch, Dan discovered a worn, khaki messenger bag with his keys hooked to the side. Without hesitation, he tore through the makeshift purse, searching for any clues he could find. After tossing aside a couple packs of cigarettes, a ski-mask, and a set of nun-chucks, he finally got his hands on a wallet. It was _exactly_ the same as his own, black and battered, patched together with band-aids. He opened it with shaking fingers and pulled out the driver's license. He examined the information on the card; it was nearly identical to his own save for the sex of its owner. He read the name out loud: "Dana,"

Suddenly feeling weak in the knees, Dan fell backward into the torn, beige couch and ran his fingers through his new, longer hair. "I'm Dana," he whispered, staring at the ornery woman in the photograph. She was trying to push the camera away from her, glaring into the lens like a cornered cat baring its fangs. She seemed angry and unapproachable. Despite her gender, the resemblance was uncanny. It was all beginning to make sense. In this universe, there was no Dan. There was only Dana. He repeated the name a few more times, "Dana. Dana. Dana. Dana."

 _"DAN!"_ a woman's desperate screams drew his attention towards the door. The woman outside the apartment pounded frantically on the doorframe, screaming his name and Dan leapt of the couch, tearing for the door and swinging it open to reveal a sight that rendered him speechless.

The woman standing in his doorway stood nearly six feet in height, with a slender frame and wide, curvaceous hips. Her hair was bushy and brown, cut short just beneath her ears. It was mussed, standing out in different directions, the owner having forgone styling this morning in her obvious rush. She was sobbing, her baby-blue eyes shimmering with tears and rimmed with red. Dan's eyes raked down her body. The taller woman was dressed in a blue v-neck tee shirt and an orange, short-sleeved cardigan that nipped in at her slender waist. She had paired it with khaki walking shorts that emphasized her generous hips. His eyes traveled down her lengthy legs and settled on her feet, on which she wore stark-white tube socks and sandals.

"C—Chris?"

\- 0 -

Chris sobbed quietly on the couch while Dan rifled through one of the many piles of clothing littering his floor, he tugged out one of the pairs of skinny jeans and shimmied them up his hips. The dark-haired woman walked over to the couch, leaning down and grabbing one of the packs of cigarettes he had discarded earlier. Dan trotted over to the stove, turning on one of the burners and leaning over it, using the flame to light the end of his cigarette. He leaned back against the counter and inhaled deeply, allowing the nicotine to fool him into thinking his nerves had calmed.

"W—what's happened to us Dan?" Chris asked, his voice cracking. Dan observed his friend, exhaling a few smoke rings into the empty apartment. Chris' female form was more feminine than his own, perhaps a physical manifestation of the other man's passive personality. Though he did not have Dan's curves, he had the height of a model and a slim waist that would make that same model green with envy. His hips were wide, but curvy. Chris had what Dan's grandmother had always called _baby-making hips_. The taller woman sported cherub cheeks, currently flushed red from crying and a long, pointed nose reminiscent of her masculine form, though on her more feminine frame it seemed more like an exotic foreign model and less "goony" looking. Chris' voice was high and a little squeaky, but mellifluous and cheery-sounding even when he was sobbing. Dan shook his head and focused what he was saying, "Dan, I woke up with a man's arm around my waist!"

The raven-haired woman couldn't help but laugh, smirking at the taller woman who blushed furiously and turned away from his friend. "So Elise is affected too?" Dan asked, smiling to himself and taking another long drag from his cigarette. He hated to admit it, but there was a part of him that was glad that Madame Zelda has cursed his best friend's uppity wife as well. Dan really couldn't stand the way she boggarted Chris' time.

"W—Well," Chris stuttered, flattening his hair absentmindedly. "Yes and no." he said awkwardly, twiddling his thumbs. Dan raised a skeptic eyebrow and Chris smiled weakly, revealing the gap in his teeth. "She is— he is Elliot now, but he doesn't seem to realize he was ever Elise. I think we are the only ones who are uh, in the wrong bodies?" the birch-haired woman attempted to explain, stuttering slightly. He turned to his friend, bracing himself for an all-out explosion. Surprisingly, Dan was quiet. The dark-haired woman blinked a few times before stubbing out his cigarette in an empty pan on the stove.

"So," he began, clenching his eyes shut and massaging his temples as he spoke. "You're saying that we're trapped in a world where everyone we know is the opposite gender of what they were before and we're the only ones who know?" Dan asked, his voice showing small signs of mounting irritation.

"Yes,"

"Fuck."

"Yes,"

Dan expelled a loud, angry sigh, leaning forward onto the counter and gripping his head in his hands. There was a soft mewl and a scruffy, gray cat hopped up onto the counter, rubbing its face against Dan's cheek. The dark-haired woman grinned, "Boy am I glad to see you, Mr. Mumbles!" he said happily, reaching out to pet his fluffy-friend. The cat meowed angrily, smacking away his hand with its paw. "What do you mean it's _Ms._ Mumbles?" Dan asked, exasperatedly. The tomcat spun around on his heel, pushing his hindquarters into the terrified woman's face, as cats are prone to do, and hopping off the counter with a flourish before trotting away. _"My cat has balls!"_ Dan sobbed, burying his head in his arms.

"Wow, _everyone_ was affected!" Chris said, astonished. Dan glared up at him through his shaggy bangs and the willowy woman baulked, smiling apologetically. The dark-haired woman ignored her and began to think, stroking her chin out of habit though no facial hair was present. Abruptly, Dan snapped his fingers, emerald eyes gleaming mischievously. Suddenly, he began running around the apartment, grabbing his cigarettes and wallet and shoving them back into the shabby olive messenger bag before slinging it over his shoulder. "What's going on?" Chris asked, confused.

"We're going to go talk to the source!" Dan declared, sliding his feet into a pair of worn-out converse and wiggling his toes to get comfortable. Chris pursed his lips, perplexed. He had no idea what Dan was talking about. 

"Who?" Chris asked, pushing himself up off the couch and watching the smaller woman as he bent down to tie the laces on his shoes. He fought back a giggle as he watched Dan struggle with the knots. He had not learned to tie his shoes until he was twelve years old and still grappled with them often, which was why he usually wore loafers. The tiny woman fiddling with her laces had a look of determination on her face that resembled a bomb-technician disarming a nuclear warhead. It may have been one of the cutest things he had ever seen. He had to bite his lip to keep from laughing. Even as a woman, Dan was still the same foul-mouthed misanthrope Chris considered his best friend. Suddenly realizing the unwelcome turn his thoughts had taken, Chris shook his head and returned to the task at hand.

"Madame Zelda, of course!" Dan stated, standing up triumphantly. He started for the door, nearly falling over his newly tied shoelaces as he did so. 

"Wait, Dan?" Chris said, placing her hand on the smaller woman's shoulder. Dan turned around, looking up at the brown haired woman with a curious expression on his face. Chris averted her eyes, studying the crevices in the water-damaged ceiling and rubbing the back of her neck uncomfortably. 

"What?" Dan inquired, her voice edging towards anger.

"Fix your make-up, you look like a whore." 

"Shut up, Chris."

\- 0 -

Chris pulled her blue sedan up in front of the rickety purple house for the second time in two days. She barely had time to turn off the engine before Dan threw open the passenger-side door and leapt out onto the sidewalk, running towards the house at top speed. Chris quickly switched the car into park, hoping to get out of the vehicle before Dan began throwing rocks through the psychic's windows. The birch-haired woman grabbed her own purse, which she was surprised to discover she owned this morning, out of the backseat and tore up the walk-way after the furious woman.

 _"Open up!"_ Dan screeched, throwing the entirety of her slim frame against the door like a human battering ram. She bounced off the door frame like a pebble, rubbing her shoulder and cursing furiously. Chris frowned, side-stepping the tiny misanthrope and grabbing the door-knocker, placing three quick knocks in succession.

After a few moments of muted rustling the door opened, but the person who answered it was not Madame Zelda. Instead, leaning against the door frame was a tall, slim man with round, rose-colored glasses reminiscent of John Lennon at the height of his career and sharp, powder-blue eyes. His blonde hair was short and wavy, the color of fresh honey directly from the hive. The ends of his bangs brushed the tips of his defined cheek bones. He was dressed in a rather fruity powder-blue and yellow shirt with ruffling down the front, tucked into the waist of his perfectly pressed black chinos. 

"Z—Zeldy?" Dan stammered. The blonde man eyed her strangely, his perfectly plucked eyebrow quirking with inquiry. He peered over the rims of his roseate spectacles and observed the two women in judgmental silence. When his eyes settled onto Dan, they filled with a look of aversion that Chris was more than used to seeing in association with his best friend.

"Ah, little misanthrope," the psychic cooed, "'ow iz it that you can 'ave tricked me out of money twice and still not remember that my name iz Monsieur Zeus?" the blonde man inquired, his accent was as thick as Zelda's and his attitude just as condescending. "'ave you decided to give me compensation for ze previous services you 'ave stepped out on?" he asked, crossing his arms over his slender chest.

A vein in Dan's forehead bulged and she grabbed the front of Zeus' shirt, her tiny fists entwining in the ruffles. "What the fuck did you do to us?" Dan demanded, tugging the blonde psychic down so that he was eye-level with her. "I woke up this morning and my dick was missing! Explain." the raven-haired terrorist snarled, her emerald eyes flashing with fury.

Monsieur Zeus' eyes widened slightly behind his bright pink lenses, "Your—" he blinked. He placed his hands on top of hers, forcing them off of his chest and standing up straight. Zeus smoothed out the ruffles on shirt and flipped his bangs with a quick jerk of his neck. "You are not Dana, are you?" he questioned, pursing his lips. 

"No motherfucker, I'm Dan." 

The blonde psychic smirked, his crystal blue eyes twinkling with impish glee. "It seems my spell 'as worked." he noted, "'owever, zis iz unexpected." Zeus frowned, stroking his chin thoughtfully. The dark-haired woman glared up at the psychic, his brow furrowing angrily.

"What are you talking about?" Dan asked darkly.

"Yesterday, you made a few unsavory comments about the opposite sex and I thought it would be great fun to 'ave you and your little girlfriend 'ere spend some time as men." Zeus giggled to himself. Chris blushed furiously, her cheeks turning redder than the fiery pits of hell. "It seems that somewhere in ze cosmos a female version of myself was 'aving ze same problem with your male counterpart and you simply switched universes." he shrugged and then began laughing hysterically. Dan glowered. 

"I—I'm not his girlfriend! Boyfriend! WHATEVER!" Chris stammered. He buried his face in his hands, miserably in an attempt to hide his shame. Dan held up her hand dismissively, her frown deepening.

"Chris, shut up." Dan snapped. "How do we fix this?"

"Oh, zat's easy." Monsieur Zeus replied, a mischievous grin making its way across his chiseled features. "You see, you are now Dana and you are Christine. You won't get back into your old universe or your old bodies until you better learn to understand women." 

"We are _so_ fucked." Christine moaned miserably.


End file.
